I'm crying. . .

as I type this. Mom and Dad told us kids on Friday that dad has been having medical issues and essentially he was being tested for cancer. Mom called today and said that he does have cancer and it's not lymphoma. From what Paula told me last night, he has a baseball size mass next to his windpipe and 1 mass in each or around or outside of his lungs. I asked mom today when she called (I'm home because Lincoln has a Staff (Staph?) infection.) what kind of cancer it was and she didn't say. If it's not Lymphoma, would it be Lung cancer? Jon is in Iowa right now meeting with Larry so I have already called and told him. I just don't know what to think. What stage is it? I feel absolutely horrible now because he and I got into so much before the holidays. UGH. Everything has been ok with us and we've been carrying on like normal so I guess the apology really is understood and it's been all fine since then. Ok - I've got to say it. I'm scared to ask mom, but what is the life expectancy? Ok. Now I feel totally guilty, but I keep thinking this isn't fair. Ok, now the one side of my head is saying, "You know, at least dad met all of his grandkids and at least he saw all of us kids grow up, get married, etc." Just last week I was wondering why we didn't get any family pictures at Christmas. Thinking back, it was all such a rush and the kids were acting up and tired, etc. Like everyone else has always said, "You have to live for the day as you don't know what life has in store for you." How on earth do I tell the kids? How do I tell them without crying? How can I give them the strength when I feel like I don't have much for myself, let alone for them, too? I pray that God helps me with this. I think of the people at work and my co-worker's dad died at a young age, Sonya's dad passed away from a heart attack a few years ago, there was a friend from high school who's dad passed away her freshman year in college. I can have faith that God will take care of this however He sees fit and will do what needs to be done. I know I have to trust in Him to heal dad and to guide the doctors in making the right decision. Ok. Let's pull ourselves back up and think about this rationally. Let's list the things I know. Hmmm.

Mom's call consisted of this: "Well, that was the doctor that called already. He said it was cancer, but not lymphoma. He said the specialist will call sometime this week to discuss where we need to go from here."
Becky said, "Do we know what type of cancer it is?"
Mom: "No, I don't. I'm assuming the specialist will go over everything."
Becky: "I'm assuming he'll be having Chemo and Radiation?"
Mom: "Becky, I honestly don't know. We have to wait until the doc calls us back. Hopefully he'll call this afternoon. Dad made sure he has the cell number since we are going to Mkto to meet Rick."
Becky: "Ok. Paula and I talked last night and we said that us kids can bring dad to any appts that he has and we think that he shouldn't be going alone. So, if you can't bring him, we certainly will go with. 4 or more ears are better than 2. Be sure to call me if the doc calls you or if you hear anything else."
Mom: "Ok, we'll talk later."
Becky: "Bye"
Mom: "Bye"
**
Ok. Sometimes the internet is not a good thing because I was looking up info about lung cancer and reading all of that and getting depressed. Hmm - ok, so looking at the phone call above, I don't know anything do I? So why should I be reading about a certain cancer when I don't know what it is, right? I think there's a Caringbridge site where the little girl had stage 4 cancer and she wasn't meant to live long and she's been cancer free now for over a year. What about Kody Kruppenbacher from FL who had a brain tumor and the parents were told he wouldn't live long and now he's like 12 or something like that. The last scan they did showed the tumor was gone! I think I have my thinking cap back on straight. Whew - it was quite tilted for a little while there. Yikes. I knew I just needed a place to let everything out and to write, but yet not have to talk with anyone. I don't want to talk with anyone right now. Jon said that he will call later or on his way home and we'll talk. I don't want to right now. I just want to type about what I'm feeling not have anyone give me feedback on what I'm saying. I wish the tears would just stop already. I'm trying to think rationally and pull myself up by bootstrings (or whatever the saying is) and the tears just keep coming. UGH.

I always talk about Heaven to the kids and talk about Jesus and what it might be like up there. The other day, Lincoln said he wanted to see Jesus up in Heaven and asked when we could go. He's made pictures of Jesus and they are pretty cute. :) He keeps asking if Jesus likes them and I tell him that He does. I explained to Lincoln that Jesus will call us and Lincoln said, "On the telephone?" and I just said, "yes". :) Anyway, I told Lincoln that Jesus would call each of us when it's time to go to see him, but we can't go until he calls to invite us to Heaven. I explained that until Jesus calls, we just have to keep doing good things where we are and then we'll be ready to go when he calls. I then explained that we have no idea when he'll call us, but we always have to be ready and Lincoln seemed ok with that answer.

Why is it that I feel so guilty? I feel like I should have been a better daughter for dad. I remember I was always told that I was the most difficult one to deal with and I always pushed their buttons and I always went "against the grain". I know we had several big blow outs since Jon and I have been together. I can't remember what all of them were about, but I know it happened. Then we just had the blowout before the holidays. In the heat of the moment, I told mom stuff that dad said about her and then the 2 of them were arguing. I wish I wouldn't have said that. However, I do remember one of the parents from a Caringbridge site said that they gave their child everything when they had cancer, but later realized that wasn't the answer. They said that they should have kept treating her like normal instead of giving her everything. So, on the other hand, would I have chewed him out about driving on our lawn if I knew he had cancer, probably not, but then listening to what those parents said, I shouldn't treat him any different. On the other hand, we do argue and maybe that's what some children & parents do. Maybe we aren't so different because we argue and get it out and then have an understood apology. I guess the good thing is that we don't stay mad. Yes, it did bug us and we were upset about it, but we got over it and moved on. Plus, we moved on before we knew he had cancer and not after. We were able to get over it on our own before this life changing information was known. I guess on the other hand, would I have lived my life any differently knowing Dad would be diagnosed with cancer on 01 22 08? Probably not. People generally don't always just get along and never fight. That's part of living is to get along, fight and resolve it. That's what makes the world go around - differences in opinions. Everyone always tells me that dad and I are so much alike so maybe that's why we bonked heads so often. I told him that when we were arguing this last time. I said something about being so stubborn and how I learned from the best (meaning I learned from dad) and he didn't say anything. It is true, though, and I know Paula and Rick will agree with me about how I'm just like dad. I do say that I probably did get my best qualities from him - my stubbornness, "hard-headedness" (is that a word?), my voice that learned to stand up for myself and not let anyone else tell me differently, the issue of never backing down, not letting anyone tell me that I couldn't do something, etc. I have to say those are my best qualities and I did get them from dad and I'm proud to say it. Thanks, Dad. I love you.

Peace.

Update & Jon's first flight today!!

Long story short - Jon took the test on the 19th of December and passed. We are now waiting for some info before we can submit the request for a Master's and Contractor's license in TX.

The guys all left for TX on 01 05 08. We have been doing ok back here and Jon is flying back (his first time) as I speak. Work is going rather well in TX, but the hotels aren't the same as in MN.

**

Here's a copy of an email I sent to Paula this morning:

*
Jon just called and said that he made it just fine from Lubbock to Dallas. :)

Backing up. . . his plane left this morning at like 7:10am. I kept watching the clock, etc. I decided to call Dustin on the way to work to see how it went, etc. He said, "Becky, Jon was really scared. I tried to keep telling him everything would be ok, but he was just so scared!" Ooooh. I thanked Dustin for being there with him. He said everything went ok, though, and then he had to pick stuff up at the wholesale house, so he dropped Jon off and then left.

Jon called me about 8:40am and said everything went fine. He said as the plane was taking off, he kept thinking, "I love you, Becky!!!" Ohhhhh. He said the Lubbock airport was very small and everything went great. He said Dallas was ENORMOUS. lol. He said he had to take a train to his next gate. Crazy! I think you said you've had to do that, too. When he called, he was at his next gate waiting for the next flight at 10:40am. He said there was a Burger King right there and he was going to eat before the next one. He said he was in seat 4D and I thought he said no one sat next to him. He said it was only about a 50 passenger plane and there were 4 empty seats. He said, "Becky it was so crazy because it's like on TV - we were flying above the clouds!" Now, for those of us having a first flight, that's a huge deal! lol. He said he didn't like takeoff, but landing was ok for him. :) He also said he was very glad he didn't bring any bigger bag as it wouldn't have fit in the upper area and he was very glad that he didn't check any bags. He said he has numerous layers of clothes on because they didn't all fit in his bag. lmao. I told him he will be fine once he gets to MKE airport as it will be freezing! ooooh - impressed I used the acronym? I'm learning! He said they made him take his belt off, too. I thought that was weird. He said they rummaged through his bag and he had to take off his shoes, etc just like you said. You know - I'm super glad that his first time at security was at a small airport like LBB because there weren't as many people there like at MSP and everyone was nice and patient. Now when he leaves MSP to go back to TX, at least he'll know what security is like with the mobs of people and all in a hurry.

I did tell the kids this morning that dad was on an airplane as I spoke and that he should be home tonight. They absolutely flipped out! lol. Last night Lincoln was talking with me and he said, "Mommy, when I see daddy again, will he have big pipeliner muscles?" He was soooo sincere when he said that. Ooooh, my little boy.

I'm so excited to see him!!

**

This is Jon's first flight and he has 2 layovers and will be on 3 different airplanes! Crazy! I'm so excited to hear all of the details when he gets home. Woo hoo!!

I can't wait to see him!!!!!!!!!!

Peace.